How do you respond to racist relatives?

Cousin Virgil complains about “the man always trying to keep a brother down.” Aunt Betty relays the story of why she’s afraid of the Puerto Ricans at the mall. Father-in-law warns those Muslims cannot be trusted. Sound familiar?

With the holidays approaching we all may hear some inappropriate comments around the Thanksgiving table. Short of avoiding the family time all together, how do you handle these side ways comments? I have three suggestions.

First, you can ignore them. It may surprise you to hear that sometimes I think that’s a viable option. I have a relative who (no matter how much correcting, coercing and complaining I’ve done over the past twenty years) continues to make racist comments. I don’t know what else to say or do. I keep my sanity by opting to ignore it. I leave the room, I take a long swig of my water (or wine) or I change the subject.

Sometimes you may not want to ignore the racist comments for fear that the speaker and everyone else may think you agree with them. I would say confront them unless one of three conditions exists. First, don’t confront a drunk relative – in fact, never try to reason with someone who is under the influence.

Second, don’t confront a relative who has been (or should have been) ordered to anger management classes – never try to reason with someone with rage issues.

And the third case not to confront is if the speaker is someone you see more often than once a year, a close relative – never confront someone in public if a private conversation is more appropriate for the relationship. Maybe on the ride home or next week over lunch you could say, “Mom, Thanksgiving dinner was awesome. One thing that surprised me was your comments about Native Americans. Where did that come from?”

A second alternative when a relative makes a racist comment is to call them out as a racist. In my opinion this is a terrible idea. Labeling someone a racist is a surefire way to start an unfruitful argument. This video explains it better than I can. I apologize in advance that he talks so fast but I think he makes an excellent point about why proclaiming that someone is a racist doesn’t work.

Doesn’t that make sense? The final response to a racist comment is to confront it. For example:

“Virgil, your boss might not be a great guy, but I don’t like it when you talk about him like he’s out to get you just because he’s white. What specifically is happening at work?”

“Aunt Betty I am offended that you’re afraid just because they are Puerto Ricans. What leads you to feel this way?”

You can even bring the entire family into the discussion, “I don’t think that’s true. What do you guys think? Should we mistrust every Muslim?”

Notice every one of these “confrontations” begins with an “I” statement and ends with a question. What’s the point? Not to anger or bully your relatives into changing, but to engage in a safe, honest and purposeful discussion? (Hey, that sounds like the subtitle to a book I wrote).

Remember, these are your relatives. You can honestly express how you feel about something they say. If they don’t like it, they will (probably) still love you. For the more extreme and colorful family members you tend to avoid, be thankful that you only have to encounter them a few times a year. And who knows, something you say may lead to a change in the way your relatives speak and feel about other races. Now that’s something to be thankful for.

So, are you expecting to hear racist comments this Thanksgiving? What do you think of my three options? Do you agree that sometimes you just need to ignore it? Do you have a relative who makes inappropriate/racist comments? Will you confront them this year? Why or why not? Let’s talk…

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